In Extremis
How would your like your art? Canvas or Magnet?
So it’s come to this. Listen, I don’t like it anymore than the next guy, but I’m so tired of fighting to live in 2023, and I refuse to fight any longer. Fuck this shit, fer real.
What would you have me do? Keep working until I’m 75 like the line cook I work with? Beg doctors to use their skills and resources even though I technically, “can’t afford” them? None of this makes any sense. I’m not going to get old and collect preventative diseases that have been instigated by the very people who are selling the alleged only cures.
I’m ok with being a schizophrenic now. I am not saying that I am, I am saying that it’s been one of my greatest fears since I was a child. But now, I don’t care anymore. I’m fine with being fucking insane because none of this world makes any sense to me. I don’t understand how we’ve let capitalism corrupt every single square inch of the earth, water and air. It’s so fucking wild, dude.
I know that all I want to do is eat, fuck and feel safe. I mean, maybe I’m too simple but if I’m so fucking simple, how come those things are so fucking hard to obtain?
Why don’t I deserve a chance to buy a house? Because when I followed my dreams a fucking pandemic shut down every fucking restaurant in the world? And when the government promised to help they actually gave a bunch of fake LLCs millions of dollars essentially making the rich richer? What do you want me to do about that? And if you say “vote” I swear to your useless fucking God that I will shoot you in the fucking throat.
Things aren’t going to get better before I go crazier. I’m not going to make it. I’m not strong enough, and I’m not interested in being “strong enough”. You don’t get anything for being strong. You just get hit harder. I need a major, positive change immediately. I’m not here for “patience”. I’m not here for “these things take time.” Nothing takes time. It’s 2023. Don’t be patronizing and don’t let anyone patronize you. Anyone who tells you “things take time” is purposely not doing the thing you’ve asked them to do. Even if it’s pressing diamonds - I don’t care! Nothing takes time, anymore!
Here Are My Demands
I want a house with enough space for myself and my dog and my garden and my art and a room where I can exercise. That is at the very least. But I don’t want the very least. They will offer me the very least and tell me to be grateful. It’s going to predictable to the point of being insulting.
I want a compost pile. I want a bonfire area and an outdoor kitchen so I can entertain my neighbors and friends in the fertile green yard.
What I don’t want are alternative options to cope with this shit society. Don’t fucking start with me. Everything I say I need is exactly what I need. If you wanna toss in some counseling, that’s super fucking amazing and way late of you but whatever, I’ll take it. Because honestly, I overshare because I can’t stand being the only one who can hear my thoughts. I’m not saying they’re extraordinarily great (but I will say they are fucking hilarious in the right context), I’m just saying, I wish I had like a committee of people who were constantly checking in on my mind state. I guess those people are called friends in the normal world. But I’m not good at friends when I’m unhappy. I don’t like myself when I’m unhappy. I’m only happy when I’m happy.
I want a duplex, so that I may share an opportunity with at least one other person who is as desperate and discouraged as myself. Because if I didn’t try to help someone else, I would be just as bad as a billionaire.